“OCD is not a disease that bothers; it is a disease that tortures” – J.J. Keeler

Obsessive compulsive disorder is something that I have suffered with for a long while. When you mention OCD a lot of people associate it with obsessively cleaning or re-arranging, or compulsively having to check locks, light-switches etc. Heck, for a long while that's what I thought OCD involved. So when I was diagnosed with it by the psychiatrist I couldn't really understand where he was coming from until I started reading that OCD is considered a spectrum with various different interpretations dependent on the sufferer.

According to the OCD website itself "intrusive thoughts...are where a person generally suffers from obsessional thoughts that are repetitive, disturbing...". This is how my OCD characterises itself; specifically in respect of my relationship with my partner. I am convinced that my partner doesn't love me, he is only with me out of convenience and can't be bothered to break up with me because it'll cause too much hassle (having to sell the house, ownership of the dog and cat etc). I am certain that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him, and due to my current mental ill-health I am further re-inforcing his feelings that we shouldn't be together. I am a burden, a pain in the ass and generally a horrible person and he would be far happier by himself.

I also question on a daily basis whether I even love him and therefore I should put him out of his misery. I worry that we are not compatible due to our age gap. When something happens like I don't feel like having sex, or I don't want to talk when we drive to Tesco's I am certain that this is an indication that our relationship is doomed.

Anywho, I met up with a friend from high school yesterday; she is one of those people who always seems happy, everything seems to enthusiastic with her and she is happy to see you and can find the positive in anything. It actually transpires that she is currently receiving treatment for relationship OCD at present as well. I was lost for words, how could this wonderfully amazingly vivacious person be having these traumatic feelings?

This just goes to show, mental health can affect anyone. It does not discriminate.

I must admit though, it was kind of re-assuring knowing that someone else was going through an almost indistinguishable thing to me and understood how tortuous these obsessional thoughts can be when they dictate your thoughts pretty much constantly.

So please know, no matter how isolated you feel, you are not alone in your sufferings. Reach out. Admit your struggles and you never know, you may meet somebody who is going through a similar experience.

Also, I know I'm just an anonymous face on the internet but I'm always happy to talk as well.